Friday, February 5, 2016

Out of the Crock Plot, into the Bowl

Out of the Crockpot, into the Bowl
          Beryl and Shmeryl walked into a bar somewhere in Downtown Khelm. 
            Beryl was a student in the University of Khelm.  He was receiving the greatest education a Khelmite could possibly receive.  He had just chosen a major in Tautology with a minor in Philosophistry. 
            Shmeryl, on the other hand, was a grammar school dropout.  As such, he had squandered the wonderful education that Khelm had to offer. 
            Beryl and Shmeryl slowly sipped at their beers. 
            Beryl started scribbling on a napkin.  Shmeryl just stared at his hands and continued to drink
            What kind of conversation were Beryl and Shmeryl about to have?  That’s not important.  In fact, I don’t even know a Beryl and Shmeryl.
            Outside that bar, the Wise Men of Khelm gathered.  There was Mendy, Sendy, Motti, Mordy, and Loozie. 
            As the wisest man in Khelm, Mendy asked “Rabboisai!  What is the meaning of life?”
            The other men scratched their heads, looking dumbfounded.
            “To please the Master,” said Sendy.
            “To not get caught cheating on your wife,” said Motti.
            “To cook the perfect batch of cholent,” said Mordy.
            “Nothing,” said Loozie.
            The other three wise men leered at Loozie.
            Mendy asked “come again?  What do you mean nothing?”
            “I mean we didn’t choose to be born.  I know I didn’t choose it.  The Master would be happier if he didn’t have to deal with our constant bullshit.  And in the end, we don’t know what will become of us for posterity.  So there is no point to this life.  If there is an afterlife, it’s pretty pointless too.”
            Motti shook his head.  Sendy and Mordy sucked their teeth in.
            Mordy countered “then why don’t you just jump into that river?”
            Loozie said “I think I just might.” 
            And so, that night, Loozie went for a swim.  Beryl and Shmeryl (whoever they are) continued to get drunk.  And the other wise men continued to have an unimportant discussion that is of no consequence to this story.
            East Eden Wharf.  Where we last left Jonah off.  He was at a bar and out of cash.  He had a ticket to Ninvus, and he needed a fix.
            Lo and behold, who should appear but the fish-man’s mortal enemy.  The bane of his existence.  KaJooLoo. 
            KaJooLoo is a monstrous creature.  But unlike the fish-man, KaJooLoo is all powerful.  He can do many things.  Like actually not be a complete killjoy.
            And so, KaJooLoo took a seat next to Jonah.  To disguise his rather grotesque appearance, he wore a long battered purple frock coat and a Guy Fawkes face mask topped off with a Dick Tracy fedora hat. 
            Jonah was too filled with ennui to even care that a stranger just sat next to him.
            KaJooLoo has a very astonishing backstory.  However, it has been mired by myth.  Some say he doesn’t really exist.  I don’t think he actually does.  Not that it matters anyway.  For the sake of this story, let’s just say he does.  And let’s just say he sat at the bar.
            The fish-man...I was going to say something about him.  I forgot what I was going to say.  This is probably for the best.
             As they sat at the bar, suddenly, two Red Devils magically appeared in front of KaJooLoo and Jonah.  Before Jonah could ask how KaJooLoo knew what his favorite drink was, he said "to your good health."  And they drank.
             KaJooLoo the Dark One didn't speak.  He didn't need to.  The drinks were bottomless.  That was one of his many great powers.  He could make a pint of beer last forever.  Shots?  I'd hate to do shots with him
             It was then that KaJooLoo gave Jonah what he really wanted.

             A one-way ticket to Timbuktu.
              What goes in Timbuktu stays in Timbuktu

              I have never been to Timbuktu.  I have seen many pictures.  For more information about Timbuktu, please visit your local public library, do a nice Google search, or pay attention during Social Studies class.  You may learn something exciting.
                 Yes, Timbuktu was in the complete opposite direction of Ninvus.  And as far as Jonah was concerned, it was the end of the world.  It was known as the most exotic place in the world.  The gold was a-plenty and the weather was always nice.  And best of all, there was no way a fish-man could survive in that arid climate.

                 Jonah was finally going to enjoy his life.  
                 Beryl turned to Shmeryl.  

                 "Hey Beryl, do you know the story of Jesus?"

                  "I'm sitting on the right. I'm Shmeryl, remember?"

                  "Whoops," said Beryl.  Sometimes, even their mothers confused them with each other.

                   "Yes," said Shmeryl, "I have heard the story of Jesus."

                    "Well you know," said Beryl, "he's coming back.  And he's really angry."

                     "What for?  Didn't he like die for our sins and become the son of God, or something like that?" asked Shmeryl.

                     "Well you know, he didn't want to die.  So he wants to come back.  And when he comes back, he wants to kill all the Jews in the world, and a bunny rabbit."

                      "Whoa," said Shmeryl, "what would he want to do that for?"

                       "He wants to kill all the Jews in the world," Beryl reiterated, and a bunny rabbit!"

                       Shmeryl took a meaningful swig of his beer.  He didn't know what to say.

                       Finally, Beryl ejaculated "you're supposed to ask 'why the bunny rabbit?'"

                       "Okay," Shmeryl sighed, "I'll bite:  why the bunny rabbi?"

                       Beryl shrugged and said sadly "you see?  nobody cares about the Jews!"

                       Shmeryl dejectedly responded "I don't get it."

                       Beryl turned back to his beer and said curtly "I wouldn't expect you to."